I am at a place where I am so stripped, bare, have nothing. Nothing but my Jesus, which is everything. So I should still be full of joy and rejoicing right?.... I probably should. I am currently not so joy filled. God keeps reminding me that He is faithful and basically (it feels like) He’s screaming “TRUST ME!!!!” so why am I having so much trouble?! The concept, the idea, the thought… of having so much faith you would kill your son because you know God can raise the dead (Abraham – Hebrews 11:17-19, and Romans 4:16-25, 2 of my favorite) is a lot more romantic, beautiful, and seems somehow courageously easy. Until your at that empty place, most in the world end up depressed when they feel this kind of emptiness. God empties so that He can fill. “God is always trying to give good things to us, but our hands are too full to receive them.” He is our jealous lover. He wants our very all, no less. So once were at the bottom, empty, we must chose to seek Him. Desperately. With no less than my all. I find it hard to be motivated to do anything here in this nothingness place… but the second I listen to His beautiful voice, I turn my heart towards Him, seek Him, read His words… I find hope, peace, trust, joy… the kind that you can never get from the perfect circumstances, but only from your creator, Daddy God, lover of your soul, the one who is always watching you, seeing all, and excitedly waiting for you to turn your gaze to Him, to look upon His face and feel the love radiating upon you, and to love Him back in such a way – I will do anything for Him, He loves me so much! God showed me a picture which I hope to paint really soon, it was of Jesus, and a girl (maybe me ☺) He held my face in His hands, the hill, the cross in the back ground, He kissed my forehead and said “For you.” Such passionate, sacrificial, true, deep, lasting love that He would give up Himself for my life, that He would get to see me again someday after this whole fallen, wicked, hurtful world is over. It wasn’t easy for Him! He tried to find another way – “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death… My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will but as you will… My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” (Matthew 26:38-42). And with this amazing, passionate, jealous, sacrificial, better than life love, we still seek satisfaction elsewhere.
It is a very difficult balance of knowing that God did give you the desires of your heart (yet He says to delight in Him and then He will give you the desires of your heart), yet He doesn’t want you to cling to them. He gave them to me, but He wants me to give them back, out of supreme love for Him. To lay them down, give them up, release and just seek Him, love on Him, take time for intimacy with Him… then once He has you securely in His will, He will give those desires back. He wants you to have them, but not if your not ready for them. Not if you are going to put them ahead of Him and forget about the One who loves you… your first love. So I have to learn to have open hands with the desires He has given me, and not try to control them. To trust Him, thank Him for what He has given me, and trust Him to bring it all to pass in His perfect time, and not by attempting to control my life, because that has NEVER worked out in a pleasant way for me, my old ways die hard though! Not the quickest at learning my lessons! Jesus please help me to be patient, wait for your best and not try to control my life, to have faith, trust, extreme, passionate, radical love for you, and for your lost! Keep me in your hands, in your will, help me overcome my unbelief! And dont forget to praise Him! "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 41