Wednesday, August 24, 2011


"Thanks precedes the miracle." Over and over in the Bible this proves to be true.
"Thanks is what builds trust." "I God didn't with hold from us His very own Son, will God with hold anything we need?" "How will He not also graciously give us all things He deems best and right? He's already given the incomprehensible." "His strength is made perfect in utter brokenness.... We can give thanks in everything because there's a good God leading, working all things into good."

Feelings can lie... when we look back, we see Gods back... Wasn't that too His way with Moses? 'When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back." (Exodus 33:22 - 23). When it gets dark, it's only because God has tucked me in a cleft o the rock and covered me, protected, with His hand. In the pitch, I feel like Im falling, feel like God is long absent. In the dark my whole world shakes, cracking dreams. But maybe this is true reality: It is in the dark that God is really passing by. Our lives shake not because God has abandoned, but the exact opposite: God passing by. God is in the tremors. Dark is the holiest ground, the glory passing by. In the blackest, God is closest at work, forging His perfect right will... Christ is most present to us, then He will remove His hand. Then we will look. Then we will look back, and see His back.
Opening the hand to receive the moments. Trusting what is received to be grace. Thanks feeds our trust.
to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to accept whatever the Giver chooses to give.
Expectations kill relationships - especially with God.
Whenever I am parched and dry, I must go lower with the water and I must kneel low in thanks. The river of joy flows down to the lowest places... Humility and smallness and receiving all as surprising grace and how this thanks has layers that lead deeper into the kingdom, lead deeper into my truest, fullest self, the one He intended.
God asks me to give thanks in all things (1 Thes. 5:18) because He knows that the feeling of joy begins with the action of thanksgiving.
I had thought joy's flame needed protecting... but palms curled into protective fists fill with darkness... the secret of joy's flame: humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control... let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because he only gives love and whisper surprised thanks.... and I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because I am full of His love. I can trust. I can let go. I hadn't known that joy meant dying.
what could bring more happiness than emptying of self-will and being wholly immersed in the will o God for this moment? Joy - it's always obedience.
Jesus says - "They will be done is My own joy story, child, from beginning to end."
And I humbly open my hand to release my will to receive His, to accept His wind. I accept the gift of now as it is - accept God - for I cant be receptive to God unless I receive what He gives. Joy's light flickers, breathes, fueled by the will of God - fueled by Him.
Grace is alive, living waters. If I dam up the grace, hold the blessings tight, joy within dies.... waters have no life..... A life contemplating the blessings of Christ becomes a life acting the love of Christ.... I am full of grace, my true birthright, I am blessed and couldn't I bless and couldn't this fullness flow on and on and on and this could be happiness? Take any opportunity given to let the fullness of grace flow on... This is my place, openhanded.
“It is impossible to give thanks and simultaneously feel fear.”
“He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will cam all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
“Gratitude is the most fruitful way of deepening your consciousness that you are… a divine choice” He chooses His children to fully live! Fully live the fullest life: the astonished gratitude, the awed joy, the flying free.”
Who wouldn’t cower at the invitation to communion with limitless Holiness Himself?.... The shock of such a partner destabilizes us too much. The risk is too great, the discomfort so demanding. We much prefer to settle for a less demanding, less overwhelming meeting. Yet we are haunted by the awareness that only this overwhelming meeting gives life. Yes, God as partner shocks and I’m too ugly, spiritually, physically, too filthy, too low to be courted by God and He lavishes His love, the uncontainable riches, and can I trust His love and part of me is right anxious to flee.”
But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him. (1Cor. 6:17) “Mystical love union…”
Is there a greater way to love the Giver than to delight wildly in His gifts?
“Would a soul continually eye His everlasting tenderness and compassion… then it could not bear an hour’s absence from Him; whereas now, perhaps, it cannot watch with Him one hour”
but if the heart be once much taken with the eminency of the Father’s love, it cannot choose but be overpowered, conquered, and endeared unto Him.”
this is wholly restored when I want the God-communion more than I want the world-consumption.
“O my soul, thou art capable of enjoying God, woe to thee if thou art contented with anything less than God”
“Counting His graces makes all moments into one holy kiss of communion and communion comes in the common.”
Nothing will keep my hand from filling with His.

“The lover’s smile in the morning, the child’s laughter down the slide, the elders eyes at eventide: this is for you. And the earth under your feet, the rain over your face upturned, the stars spinning all round you in the brazen glory: this is for you, you, you. These are for you –gifts- these are for you –grace- these are for you – God, so count the ways He loves, a thousand, more, never stop, that when you wake in the morning you cant help but turn humbly to the east, unfold your hand to the heavens, and though you tremble and though you wonder, though the world is ugly, it is beautiful, and you can slow and you can trust and you can receive each moment as grace.”

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Lately the enemy has attacked me with discouragement, hopelessness, worry and anxiety, fear, lack of motivation, shame, sadness… mostly about my future, the life He has for me to live that I am afraid of messing up, making wrong choices…etc. I’ve been praying for Gods guidance and direction, to help me, teach me, my attitudes and thoughts, the big decisions and the little! To help me over come the times of testing and hardship, temptation, to persevere, have an undivided heart, not be polluted by the world, pure in heart – see God, faithful, disciplined, to chose and love good and hate evil, to be strong, securely unshakable in my Jesus, mature, self controlled, having peace, intimacy with God, rest through my storms, to chose according to Holy Spirit in every moment!
I have had this for a few weeks so there are many ways God has taught me and helped me to over come! There are no coincidences in the Kingdom of God, He has used all kinds of people (friends, family, Joshua), moments, songs, His word, my times with Him, church…. He has said –
Humble yourself to be free… proverbs 6
In time of testing they fall away, choked by lifes worries, riches, and pleasures… Luke 8, wow
Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. Luke 8 also
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know… God will restore you, make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5
Don’t worry, it wont be you speaking but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. If His eye is on the sparrow, then His heart is on me – a song, from Matthew 10
We live by faith, not by sight – 2 Corinthians 5
All my fountains are in you. – Psalm 86
I want to take your word and shine it all around, first help me just to live it Lord, and when I’m doing well help me to never seek the crown because my reward is giving glory to you. Kim walker – Jesus Culture – O Lord You’re beautiful
The desire of the righteous ends only in good – Proverbs 11
I’m okay with storms because I know the one who silences them. At the end of the day I’m with Him, and He wins. Faith, for the thing you cant see, waiting, Gods promises to His people never change. – AJ Jones, emanate at Grace center
When Peter fixed his eyes on what the wind was doing instead of Jesus, he was afraid and the began to sink (when he walked on water to Jesus) – also AJ Jones
We don’t have the full story, but He does, believe with an untroubled heart. Many times the Bible says – Don’t be afraid, just believe! – AJ Jones

One day I woke up feeling so secure in what God was doing with me, He gave me dreams of doing His good works, I knew I was secure, He has a plan and its coming!
I had a text from my amazing friend Molly – “Forever, O Lord, your word stands firm in heaven. Your faithfulness extends to every generation, like the earth you created. It decrees by your decree, EVERYTHING serves your plan. Psalm 119:89
Then a song played on my computer from Jesus Culture – I have a plan for you, its gonna be wild, its gonna be great, its gonna be full of ME.
I was reminded of a prophecy spoken over me just a few days before – that I was marked from birth for Gods plans – things that I cant even imagine, will happen with my life…
I saw random quotes on face book that were encouraging and fit into what God was saying to me! – like – life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. Or – Patience is a calm endurance based on the certain knowledge that God is in complete control.
Then Joshua texted me (prophecy without knowing it ☺) – you don’t need to worry about your future at all, its already been planned and the clock is ticking away and when it hits zero God is going to show you everything! Everything is going to fit perfectly! For that all to happen, for you to not worry or be afraid of your future or how you need a job, trust in God and ask Him! say – Daddy can you help me with a good job that I will enjoy and will help your kingdom?! I trust that you my heavenly Father will do this for me your daughter! – wow, just what I needed to hear…. He does have a plan…

The next morning I woke up feeling like God was saying He supports me, He reminded me of a picture He showed me in Africa of me with His hands on my back, supporting me… which I had a hard time accepting because, I haven’t liked the idea of God supporting ME, I couldn’t accept that He was proud of me, or thanked me for anything I had done, any ways I had trusted Him… that was too much for me to accept! But while I was in Africa I learned to accept His amazing love and affections this way!
Next I saw a quote on face book (again haha) “Apart from me you can do nothing!” and I felt like God was saying – if your plans are for good things, aligned with His ways, character and will, and I know I cant do it without Him (every moment) – He supports, helps, encourages us… this concept was still hard for me! –
I read Proverbs 13 - the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied – Psalm 89 – My hand will sustain him; surely my arm will strengthen him…. my faithful love will be with him, and through my name his horn will be exalted… - God supports my ways when they please Him!
Those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness. – Proverbs 14
May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us, Yes, establish the work of our hands. – Psalm 90
Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. – Proverbs 16
The Lord works out everything for His own ends. – Proverbs 16
In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps. – Proverbs 16
The lot is cast into the lap, but every decision is from the Lord. – Proverbs 16
So God taught me first that He has it all, He is in control and I don’t need to worry because He will do it and I can rest in Him. also He taught me that HE supports ME, as hard as that is to accept and hear, as His daughter, He trusts me and when I walk with Him and in the Holy Spirit, He will give favor to my plans… so which is it? They in a way seem to contradict… He is in control, and He supports my plans… well I believe somehow both – His love is so for me, that He knows my heart and its motives, and ultimately He knows what I will plan anyways… so I can rest secure without worrying that I will plan the wrong thing and it will happen, as long as I am fully in Him, surrendered, in love, His daughter… He will make His plans succeed, as well as support my plans… they are one and the same as we become one with Him! so we rest secure, holding Jesus hand, knowing were free, knowing His grace, love and affections are so great for us, resting in His will with peace, feeling His love, waiting patiently, He within me is greater than he in the world, I’m Gods daughter, so delighted in, loved! Rest secure, plan according to Him with much prayer, and trust in His plan that is surely coming… do not let the enemy cause you to worry, and have negative thoughts to bring you away fro God whom you are secure in and can trust!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Holy Spirit led mind

I want to encourage all of you with a little something God was teaching me this past week... I was sick for about 2 weeks with a nasty cold and sinus infection that made my head hurt so much I literally couldnt do a thing! I kept praying for healing and wasnt getting any better, but worse! i went to a friend of my family who is a Christian and a chiropractor, and more homeopathic medicine doctor... so he adjusted me and i was telling him about my sickness... he does a muscle strength test when he is checking you to adjust, so he will touch a certain part of your neck or back and you hold your arm out strait in front of you and as he touches the place he presses down on your arm, if its a place of weakness that needs adjusting your arm will drop when he presses down on it and if not your able to hold it out... so he touches under my eye/my sinuses and my arm drops... he asks me if there is anything bothering me lately, and tells me to think of it, so i am thinking... okay i got it - i think of how i need a job - and he tests my arm as i am thinking of it, and he says - no thats not it - haha is there anything else... so i think and think, whats truly really bothering me... well the truth was i wanted to be healed and hadnt been and wanted so badly to be well! so i thought of that and my arm dropped, wow, okay so he says well that was it so whatever it was you should deal with that pray about it and let it go... so i ended up telling him what it was - he said okay so you have doubt that God is really going to heal you and thats bothering you? YES! wow, so we go through a process of letting that doubt go, and then i realize its not just the doubt but i had tons of shame from the fact that i felt like i didnt have enough faith to get healed! so i told him that, we prayed through releasing the shame until it was totally gone! the enemy wanted to get me caught up in double negative thinking so that i doubted that i would get healed and then had shame on myself for doubting and so on.... this pushed me further away from God constantly! So once i accepted myself because God does and released the negative thoughts and proclaimed that i do have faith to be healed! i had huge breakthrough in intimacy with God and literally within hours i was well! healed! the Bible says that our mind is so powerful, that the mind controlled by the spirit it life and peace! even to our bodies! much more all the rest of us! This was huge for me to realize the power of our thoughts, and to recognize and release negative thoughts - if it is not good, a fruit of the spirit, life, peace, joy... then it is not from God and we dont want it! I hope this encourages someone to release their negative thoughts and realize the power the enemy has in our mind if we let him, and how much power God has when we let our mind be controlled by Holy Spirit! :D
how God says it -
Romans 8:6 ASV
For the mind of the flesh is death; but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace:
Colossians 3:2 ASV
Set your mind on the things that are above, not on the things that are upon the earth.
Titus 1:15 ASV
To the pure all things are pure: but to them that are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but both their mind and their conscience are defiled.
Ephesians 4:23 NIV
to be made new in the attitude of your minds;
1 Peter 5:8
Be clear-minded and alert. Your opponent, the devil, is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Psalm 139:23 NIV
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Proverbs 14:30 NIV
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Love of God

That’s THE key – dwelling in Gods love… resting there, He gives you all you need, all joy, peace, love, strength, rest, freedom! If I am His dwelling place and I am free, then why wouldn’t I dance?! His love is better than LIFE (Psalm 63). That’s powerful! Taking the time to be in His love, rest, feel Him, dwell only on Him, that’s they key to living an abundant life. He kept saying that you should have a Sabbath day to rest (Isaiah 58:13-14), I believe that He still wants us to do that, and not compromise, no matter what the world gives you, what position, power, money, prestige… honors, you still never compromise on what God tells you! New and old testaments talk about it, old testament in Isaiah says that that’s where you will find your joy is in keeping the Sabbath day Holy! The new testament says that it is right to do good on the Sabbath day (Matt. 12:12)… I still feel like Jesus is saying that we should give that day fully unto Him to rest and learn and love… not work, exercise, shop even… Romance with Jesus is the only way to make it! The only way to live life…. It’s the only perfect romance that will ever be, because He is perfect and people are not, if I have the best husband in the world, we will still both mess up and let each other down here and there, but Jesus, He will never mess up or let you down or disappoint, He is perfect even when we are not and loves us unconditionally when we are so imperfect, His love is the only thing that makes life worth living all the time. We need to seek it at all costs, and it does cost, your time, your pride, your fear, your dignity, your other priorities, your love, we think were too busy and cant, don’t have time… well friends I am saying we need to make time, I know I am going to try my hardest to make time no matter what! Because that precious time make the rest worth being alive, if you can dwell in His presence all the time, that’s when life is lived abundantly, and you can only have that by spending the time in the secret place, totally abandoning yourself, being raw, vulnerable, real with Jesus, needing Him, and letting His love hit you. I say at least once a week take as long as you can, a whole day even, and just give it to Him, rest in His love, in His presence, do what you hear Him saying… let Him heal, restore, love, fill you up, and don’t rush it, don’t have any other demands on you at that time, give it fully to Him, its so worth it…
Exodus 33:7-23 are such amazing powerful verses, about Gods glory, His presence being with us, and His rest being with us, we should be like Moses in verse 15 who tells God if His presence doesn’t go with him he wont go! God has mercy and favor with Moses just like He does with us! God spoke with him face to face as a friend talking to a friend… and when Moses asked to see Gods glory He lets His goodness pass in front of him, so he can only see his back because he would die if he saw Gods face! God covers him in His hand, it says the cleft of a rock is where he should stand, but then says He lifted His hand so Moses might see His back… God was letting Moses hide in what He already did for us, in the hole in His hand from the cross…

Jesus words to us –

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned. SOS 8:6-7

Thursday, January 27, 2011

"Hannah, TRUST ME!!!"

I am at a place where I am so stripped, bare, have nothing. Nothing but my Jesus, which is everything. So I should still be full of joy and rejoicing right?.... I probably should. I am currently not so joy filled. God keeps reminding me that He is faithful and basically (it feels like) He’s screaming “TRUST ME!!!!” so why am I having so much trouble?! The concept, the idea, the thought… of having so much faith you would kill your son because you know God can raise the dead (Abraham – Hebrews 11:17-19, and Romans 4:16-25, 2 of my favorite) is a lot more romantic, beautiful, and seems somehow courageously easy. Until your at that empty place, most in the world end up depressed when they feel this kind of emptiness. God empties so that He can fill. “God is always trying to give good things to us, but our hands are too full to receive them.” He is our jealous lover. He wants our very all, no less. So once were at the bottom, empty, we must chose to seek Him. Desperately. With no less than my all. I find it hard to be motivated to do anything here in this nothingness place… but the second I listen to His beautiful voice, I turn my heart towards Him, seek Him, read His words… I find hope, peace, trust, joy… the kind that you can never get from the perfect circumstances, but only from your creator, Daddy God, lover of your soul, the one who is always watching you, seeing all, and excitedly waiting for you to turn your gaze to Him, to look upon His face and feel the love radiating upon you, and to love Him back in such a way – I will do anything for Him, He loves me so much! God showed me a picture which I hope to paint really soon, it was of Jesus, and a girl (maybe me ☺) He held my face in His hands, the hill, the cross in the back ground, He kissed my forehead and said “For you.” Such passionate, sacrificial, true, deep, lasting love that He would give up Himself for my life, that He would get to see me again someday after this whole fallen, wicked, hurtful world is over. It wasn’t easy for Him! He tried to find another way – “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death… My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will but as you will… My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” (Matthew 26:38-42). And with this amazing, passionate, jealous, sacrificial, better than life love, we still seek satisfaction elsewhere.
It is a very difficult balance of knowing that God did give you the desires of your heart (yet He says to delight in Him and then He will give you the desires of your heart), yet He doesn’t want you to cling to them. He gave them to me, but He wants me to give them back, out of supreme love for Him. To lay them down, give them up, release and just seek Him, love on Him, take time for intimacy with Him… then once He has you securely in His will, He will give those desires back. He wants you to have them, but not if your not ready for them. Not if you are going to put them ahead of Him and forget about the One who loves you… your first love. So I have to learn to have open hands with the desires He has given me, and not try to control them. To trust Him, thank Him for what He has given me, and trust Him to bring it all to pass in His perfect time, and not by attempting to control my life, because that has NEVER worked out in a pleasant way for me, my old ways die hard though! Not the quickest at learning my lessons! Jesus please help me to be patient, wait for your best and not try to control my life, to have faith, trust, extreme, passionate, radical love for you, and for your lost! Keep me in your hands, in your will, help me overcome my unbelief! And dont forget to praise Him! "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 41

Saturday, January 8, 2011


Okay, I left off before bush bush outreach ☺. Bush bush was an amazing experience, of traveling (quite bumpily and ummm sometimes more painfully than others) on terrible dirt roads through Mozambique on a “camion” which is a huge truck. At some times we had as many as 30 people crammed (and I mean crammed, no wiggle room) back there! We drove 10 hours the first day, 6 the next, and 3 the next. Most nights when we camped somewhere (in a remote village) we went out set up the screen, danced with the people and children to awesome Mozambican Christian songs (I couldn’t understand, but had faith were really full of great spiritual content), showed the “Jesus film” to the people in their language (also couldn’t understand, but had faith!), shared testimonies, preached, and prayed for the people! Prayed for healings, salvations, and whatever else they wanted prayer for! Amazing to see God work! To see Him save, heal, to touch and to change these peoples lives! I had the opportunity to do many amazing things on this trip! From share my testimony and preach to a village, visit/pray for an old man who cant see and get to know his amazing (very poor) family, hold a woman as her foot is operated on and feel her pain as if it were my own, dance with beautiful village children, as I was stretched more and more into the woman God created me to be. I came back utterly thankful for EVERY blessing! Toilets, wow my best friend! “Latrines” holes in the ground you squat over to “go”, I call them poo holes, are not so fun every day for 10 days…. Especially when the flies swarming out of them ummmm… scare you… almost as much as the giant cockroaches climbing out of the “latrine” you are so lowly squatted over. I am thankful to the max for all the yummy foods my Mom, Panera, and Joshua (mainly amazing Kettle corn ;)) have put in front of me! I keep saying over and over, this is sooo good, wow! I don’t even mean to, I am just that thankful for delicious food! And oh my bed… so thankful for that guy, the pillows, the comforter, the cold weather (I’m usually thankful for that, and if I am not I just remind myself of how I was sweaty, ALL the time and then I am thankful!)!

The joys of seeing everyone again, I cant put into words. Hunter, prayers, didn’t know me ☹ getting better as I continually feed him sugary things he shouldn’t have… cake, ice cream, chocolate ☺ Oh yeah he’s liking me more and more… too bad he doesn’t remember all the times I wraseled him down while changing his poopy diapers, took him with me to run errands no matter how difficult that was (as everyone thought he was my child ☺), wraseled him to sleep at nap time during that cute fight it stage… and many other bonding moments for the first 9 months of his life… ha ha I guess we will have to start over and this time his memory is a little more mature hopefully!

The only real re-entry or culture shock I have experienced has been with the people… and the feminine products isle. In the airport an extremely angry lady yelled at me (while i had the headache of my life, felt like i was going to fall over, possibly dead... ha) and told me to take weight out of my suitcase and put it in my backpack.... so huge african drum in hand (kinda annoyed at it in this moment!) i walked onto my plane shocked that people are just simply.... NOT all happy, NOT all filled with Holy Spirit... hahahah! oh no!!! haha but after that things were better because my God is sooooo GOOD! wow, and i had a small stunned moment in the tampon/pads isle, wow why in the world so many.... no good reason thats for sure.

Gods Santa example – I walked into the room while someone (I think my brother and/or sister) was watching one of the Santa Clause movies, I believe the 3rd one… and it was at the part where Santa is at a super boring Christmas party with a lady he is trying to impress… and suddenly he jumps on stage in this gym and declares that there are presents for everyone back stage! They are all like – no there aren’t I’ve been back there and there are no presents… he boldly states that there are, my guess is he isn’t sure if there will be or not, but he takes that risk, because if not it was simply going to be another boring terrible work Christmas party. He doesn’t care if he isn’t fitting in, seeming normal… he does something crazy. He is not afraid of them, their thoughts about him, his reputation, how he looks… being insane, he goes for it. God simply said to me – if no one ever does anything different, crazy, and radical, nothing will ever change, nothing good, exciting, life changing will ever happen – that impacted me because I have been learning this but the Santa example wasn’t the normal way to see it! Ha but it is so true! After Santa gets the presents and starts passing them out, they aren’t just any ole Christmas presents – they are things that these men and women have wanted since they were little children and never received… the joy they get from those gifts, the healing that happens when they finally get what they always wanted and were so disappointed not to have received earlier… it’s a beautiful picture of what can happen when we are willing to risk for Jesus and care about what God thinks and not what men think… we can bring beauty, joy and healing to Gods lost ones! Simply by listening to the Holy Spirit and doing whatever He tells us to do, no matter what it is. The out of the ordinary things, make the difference, in peoples lives.